The Year of the Mother

In October I joined a writing workshop called “Writing Your Life as a Woman”, led by a lovely soul named Dean Lofton. These workshops are, as I termed, ‘improv for the writer’. We show up, we get prompts, we write, and then we share. Just like that. We empty our souls onto paper, which is what writers do, and then we share. It was intimidating for me at first – obviously I have no problem sharing my soul publicly – and have been doing so through this blog since last March. But to share with this intimate group, without any editing whatsoever, was a little unnerving at first. It turned out to be an amazing experience and incredibly therapeutic. As I close this year of 2009, I thought I would share one of these ‘improvs’ with you, though I will not resist the urge to edit a tiny bit, for your benefit, of course. I feel that this one is symbolic of what 2009 was for me – a year of figuring out what motherhood is for me. It is easy to become a mother, well, if one considers childbirth easy. I became a mother when I had a baby in 2006, and then in 2008 when I had another. 2009 was the time for me to dawn into a deeper realization that I am a mother, what that means to me and my children, and to figure out how to be the mother I want to be. I always felt like motherhood was a part of me, now I know it is all of me, it is who I am. And so much more.

Prompt: Describe your happiest and most satisfying time (ok, I lost the actual prompt, but it was something like this).

About six months ago, I could never, ever have guessed that I would be writing that the happiest, most satisfying time of my life is…right now. Really. Not in my Buddhist, “live for the moment” kind of way, but in a really, “I can’t believe this myself” kind of way. I was then trapped in a downward cycle, laden with resentment towards my husband and, quite frankly, toward my two small children who were sucking every bit of energy from me that I felt I had. Then the guilt, oh that awful, awful emotion. Is guilt an emotion or a poison wrongly named? I felt so guilty for resenting the people that I loved the most that I buried myself in that muck while I smiled at the world and thanked the universe for my perfect life.

In a similar, though upward cycle, with the help of a wonderful therapist and friends, I found the strength to truly fill my cup. When my cup became truly full was when I went away for 6 days. I slept, I wrote, I worked, I talked for hours with my loving sister. I didn’t think about anyone else’s needs but my own. Since coming back, these two energy sucking spirits have transformed into little lights that bring me gifts of love and energy! My cup floweth over with that love and they in turn lap it up like kittens given fresh cream. My 3 ½ year old’s screaming does not evoke another screaming beast, but a compassionate one, wondering what he is screaming about. This quickly stops the screaming. Some days I don’t even want to leave them, but the sitter has arrived and I know that the cycle of love and happiness that we all bask in at this moment is best propelled by more love for myself and keeping this cup full.

What I really want to say is that I did not know life with children could be like this: the joy, the immense, indescribable joy. The beauty. The high of life as I take care of those around me. The clarity that comes to me at this time is more than I imagined enlightenment to be. I had to find myself to get over myself to really give of myself. And the giving is good. Very, very good.

Comments

[Tari]

This is wonderful, Carmen. Being a Mom is a marathon, and I think there are so many things to do in every day that we often try to sprint through. It's exhausting. I've been trying to spend time enjoying my kids, and I also have been saying that my favorite time in my life is right this moment. I enjoy them so much, I almost feel sheepish about it. I constantly ask them how I got so lucky to have them in my life. They just smile that smile that makes me want to ask that question again.